Archive | December, 2014

Emotional Safe Haven

28 Dec

      I’ve always been baffled by the fact that young children can receive discipline from their mothers and/or fathers, and in turn, run to that same individual for comfort. I used to believe that was one of the craziest things I’d ever seen. One day out of the blue, while in the midst of watching this take place, I discovered why small children respond the way they do; they feel safe and secure when they’re in the loving arms of their mothers and/or fathers.  Although pain may have been inflicted upon them a very short while ago, they simply move past that moment and into the next one. This realization caused my mind to swan dive into the depths of my thoughts and question, “What makes people feel safe and secure?” “What makes me feel as though someone is my ‘Emotional Safe Haven’?” The first thing I did was think about what “safety” is to me.
Safety is a state of mind in my opinion, seeing as though we can do little to change or alter the physical state of this world.  After arriving at that conclusion, I then had to figure out the origin of the term “haven.”  After a little research, I discovered that the word “haven” comes from the word “Harbour,” which is the place a ship goes to seek refuge from a storm. There are plenty of things that coincide with people not feeling safe; for example, the risk of expressing one’s self and not being heard, or being ridiculed or shut down, is good enough reason to not feel safe. There are, however, ways in which we can help others feel as though there is comfort in our hearts for them, or that we are in fact an “Emotional Safe Haven” for them.  There are a few questions of which I believe if we ask ourselves and conform to, would surely make the process of being in/falling in love, a lot easier. They are as follows: “What are some things we can do to make someone feel comfortable with us?” “What are some things we can do to troubleshoot past dwellings within our counterparts?” Last but not least, how do we go about discovering (scavenger hunting) those individualized receptors that are so emotionally appealing to our counterparts/potentials?
    People sometimes guard their emotions just like it’s a safe full of cash.  We can also be very secretive concerning what we actually have locked away in our safe, so how do we make someone feel comfortable enough to open up that particular safe for us?  Well I think there are a few things we look for subconsciously that makes us feel comfortable, those particular things are: reliability / trustworthy, someone that’s non-judgemental and someone that’s psychologically available.  When you’re constantly available (reliable) when someone needs to talk or they need you in general, it kind of puts it into someone’s head that they can depend on you.  This can undoubtedly make you a trustworthy person in certain retrospects; seeing as you’re always there in a person’s time of need. That type of consistency builds a bridge that connects you with that particular person.   Another thing that strengthens or even adds a little concrete value to the bridge is being non-judgemental with somebody.  No one wants to feel like their deepest and darkest secrets that they confide in you with will be apart of the latest social media gossip.  They wanna feel as though you are their safety net and that everything you happen to catch stays between the parties that’s at hand.  We also have to be careful when it comes to altering our view points of someone based off the information that they are providing us with.  We all make mistakes and sometimes we just need someone to be there for us to clear the air or to get some heavy burdens off of our chest.  The foundation part of the bridge would consist of us being psychologically available, which would be the understanding / mental capacity to draw emotional  cohesiveness with someone.  Sometimes mental chemistry / connections weigh tons more than attraction or beauty.  The fact that someone understands you and they can go blow for blow from a mental aspect can alone highlight roller-coasters of emotions inside of someone.
   Anytime you meet someone who’s single and they don’t have any attachments, chances are they have previously gotten out of some type of connection with someone and emotional scars are upon them.  Depending on how much they were emotionally invested in their counterparts, the healing process or the process of them re-gathering themselves emotionally can be quite the challenge.  A couple of ways we can help ease the level of struggle that comes with this challenge is for us to: understand the fear and provide them with emotional security. When it comes to someone moving beyond the past or destroying the bags in which the past created, it only seems impossible when we limit our options to different strategies of control. If we ever expect to find true happiness in our relationships, it’s going to require us to dissolve the beliefs and assumptions that create the painful fears and controlling behaviors. We’re going to  have to seek an emotional solution beyond what the mind offers as safety from fear.  Love, acceptance, respect, to be desired, security, and passion are all things people may want in their relationship.  The different passions in which we bestow in any of those traits could either lead to us feeling safe or unsafe emotionally.  The unconditional acceptance of someone means that there is no judgment and criticism. They can communicate honestly, be themselves, and feel emotionally safe. There are also physical and financial factors that can appeal to women’s sense of safety, but sometimes women pick and choose comfort levels according to their situation. 
    Last but not least (in fact I feel like this is the most important trait) is for us to discover what makes one another happy.  I use to love going on scavenger hunts as a kid.  We would have a list and try our best to track down those items and bring them back to the designated area.  It’s kind of the same way when it comes to a healthy relationship.  Basically, we have to find the things that are emotionally appealing or the things that make our counterparts respond in a positive manner (their emotional receptors) and keep them safe in our hearts.  If we know how to improve on our love for one another, there shouldn’t be a reason in which we’re not growing.  It’s up to us individually to provide: comfort, desire and an emotional well-being for our counterparts.  Our hearts have two sides, but they combine together to make one beat.  The way both sides work together in it’s cohesive nature is exactly the way we should operate in our relationships.  With each beat being a moment in which we’re working together and doing our parts to provide an Emotional Safe and Secure Haven for one another.